Today’s experiment yielded a chap going up the pedestrian ramp, on a bike, suuuuper slowly. I felt a bit bad for him until I passed and realized that he was doing it with one hand because in the other he was holding a cup of Dunk. “The coffee, it’s a handicap!”, I exclaimed. (see: The goggles, they do nothing!) I hope he understood that I was just playing with him. He then proceeded to blow through every red light all the way up Harvard St. in Allston. Holding a coffee. I wish I’d caught his name so I can keep an eye out for it in the police notes.

The second anomaly of today was a large tow truck, marked Brighton Towing, Inc.   The truck swerved into the bike lane to avoid a ‘$100 fine’ standing mid-road sign and was close enough to brush my elbow. At the next red light I hollered “TOO CLOSE!” into  his window, as a public service announcement. I’m nice like that. As he passed me farther on he swerved in toward me threateningly and yelled something out of the window that was entirely unintelligible but obviously negative, so at the NEXT red light I stopped and queried at his window. I’m not sure if his face was just built like that or if he was actually really trying, but he was giving me the most moronic look I’ve ever seen on another human being. Given the amount of reality TV I’ve seen in the past I was not a little bit impressed. He ended his rant of garbled nonsense with ‘why are you riding a bike, are you not right in the head?’…

What does one say to this, really?

What drivers of large vehicles owned by small businesses need to understand is that if they act like idiots on the road, all you or I have to do is stroll inside and google the name of their company. I called Brighton Towing, and I now know that the operator that threatened me goes by the name of Jay. I didn’t go to the police because I don’t really have anything to show (and man do they hate to be bothered unless you’re bleeding), but I DO know how to contact him if I need to, and I know the address of his place of business, and his email address. Good going, Jay. May you land yourself the role of a lifetime in the next season of ‘Traffic Wars’.

If you see a silver convertible BMW with the license plate NCN and a faded pair of Red Sox underneath the plate driving around today, tell the fat entitled bitch behind the wheel that Grimlocke the bike vigilante says Hi. She’ll probably know who you mean. Also remind her that the bike lane is never a casual parking spot, even if you ‘have a child in the car’, because yes, I do indeed have all day, and yes, I will call our good friends the police. Because yes, I am a smartass bitch. I chose it as a hobby because I have a knack. I should have taken a picture of this chubby twit.

On the topic of things I should have taken a picture of – the second person I stopped to be a smartass bitch at today because they were parked in the bike lane was actually a woman with a beard. I just kept riding. Some things you just have to let go.

Remember this, score one for the good guys, right?

And they’ve also repaved N. Harvard Street, so fresh and so smooth, complete with bike lanes! oh yay!

Oh… wait.

There are also signs like this posted all along this lane.

But nobody seems to care.

Great work, guys.