There has been a lot of rough talk against cyclists lately, namely because of the San Fran incident in march that killed a 71 year old man. Long story short, the cyclist was going fast, pushed through a yellow and then slammed into the elderly man as he emerged into the crosswalk, killing him. Now, you’re going to hate me for what I have to say next, but guess how many fucks I have to give? Boo. Fucking. Hoo. There are people calling for the cyclist’s freedom over this, and vilifying bikers of all stripes because of it. Really, people? This was ONE INCIDENT. Sure, the cyclist may have been a bit negligent, but he didn’t break the law any more than every fucking Masshole douchecannon does every day by pushing through yellow lights, or turning left on red against a pedestrian light.

One incident involving a negligent cyclist killing a pedestrian, compared to tens of thousands of incidents every year involving negligent drivers injuring or killing pedestrians and cyclists. Innocent people of all ages and states of health. Would this poor gentleman, who my heart does hurt for believe me, have suffered the same fate were he a hale man of 30, 40, 50? Likely not. Studies show that the people most vulnerable to cyclists are the elderly and infants, not the average pedestrian. Meaning that putting more pressure on cyclists for this one incident is an unnecessary knee jerk reaction. But who would expect less from our incompetent lawmakers and enforcers and the under-informed and self-righteous masses? Ultimately, people who actually ride every day as their main form of transportation should be legislating for and against cycling. Sadly, that’s not likely in this extremely cycling-prejudiced society.

Have you ever wanted to end a person’s life, but the idea of going to jail for years or capital punishment seemed overly prohibitive? Well, I have great news for you! Now you can murder to your heart’s content and never worry about the repercussions. You just have to follow these simple rules:

• drive a motor vehicle
• target a cyclist
• run over target cyclist ONLY ONCE
• state to authorities, “I didn’t see him/her/them.”
• bask in the warm glow of murder accomplished!

This tried and true murder method has been used over and over again throughout history, but the powers that be don’t want you to know about it! People in authority like to think they have a monopoly on murder, but it’s time we take back our right to kill! Just look at these success stores:

Success! Smashed in San Fran

Success! Nailed in New Bedford

Success! Doored in Chicago

Success! Smeared in San Diego

Success! Slammed in San Leandro

Success! New Yorkers are spearheading the murder movement!

I know you’re saying to yourself, “This will never work for me. I lack the confidence to murder someone in cold blood.” Not so, you just have to follow our foolproof plan, and remember a few guidelines:

One Hit Only! – if you back up and hit a cyclist again, you could go to jail.

Do Not Flee! – don’t confirm your guilt by fleeing the scene. Pull over, call 911, and adopt a shocked and distressed attitude while you explain to the police that you ‘didn’t see’ your target.

And when in doubt, avoid targeting your victim at intersections. If there is any doubt as to whether you ran a red light or a stop sign, you could get in trouble. Target your cyclist during a long straight stretch if possible. If there is any question as to how the cyclist went unseen, you can also claim that the cyclist lost control of his bicycle and strayed into the road.

Using these thoughtful guidelines, honest and hardworking folk can regain their confidence in killing, and the current spike in the cyclist population can be slowed and with any luck, reversed. Godspeed, prospective Murderers, and happy hunting!

This morning on my way down Mass Ave, rather than potbellied cops on motorcycles waiting to give mild mannered cyclists unnecessary tickets, I came upon  some kind of huge DPW truck siphoning water from the nearby hydrants. The truck was in the left lane, across the road from the hydrants, and the 3″ thick hose was unavoidable. They expected traffic to go over it.  Yours truly, assuming they had taken ‘bicycle traffic’ into account when setting this up, expected the hose to give even just a little, allowing me to stay with the flow of traffic. Nope. It rolled instead, causing me to capsize in the street, completely wracking my left elbow and knee and smooshing my bike bell beyond repair. I guess my five mile run is out of the question now, as is going more than 8mph on  my bike for the rest of the week. Thanks a bunch for thinking of the cyclists, City of Cambridge!

Dicks.

So yesterday I made a post, and while putting on the finishing touches (after-post typos), it inexplicably disappeared into the ether. This has happened with a few of my posts here, which is one of many reasons I haven’t been committing my experiences to blog post in a while. Happily, I was able to salvage the text of the post via my Greader. Sorry if this post is a repeat for those of you with a feed. It wasn’t my fault, blame the gremlins!

Gloves. They’re fucking everywhere in the winter. I have many fantasies in which I pick up every glove that I see lying in the road or snugged over a fence post and open a small warehouse (sort of like the Garment District’s Dollar-A-Pound) where people can come hunt for their long lost glove or mitten. Or in some less frequent instances, shoe. Sadly, I am too lazy. However, I do feel as if there is some kind of mystic force that keeps me from ever having to buy a pair for myself. My last pair was given to me by my mother, who found them in a snowdrift by the side of the road in Gloucester, MA last year. They are now however much the worse for wear.

Exhibit A

If you think the outside looks bad, you should feel the sticky, shredded inside. Yeck.

So for a few weeks I have had my eyes peeled for a stray pair in need of a new home. I had decided, literally TODAY on my ride to work, that I would have to suck it up and buy a pair of new gloves as no karma gloves seemed to be forthcoming, when these beauties appeared on the sidewalk between my office and my cafe in the little village of Brookline.

I looked around but there was nobody in sight. Just me, and my new pair of cosmically bestowed handwarmers.

Thanks, universe!

Ok, I really gave it a shot.

When I was hit by buses on my daily commute, I complained to the MBTA, the police, and our local “Bike Czar”.  ZERO ACTION

When I was repeatedly hit by cars while riding in the bike lane, adhering to the regulations of the road, I followed the same trail of bureaucracy and it led NOWHERE.

Remember this? I filled out quite a few of these complaint forms, and filled them with details of each violation and violator.  NO ACTION

I have repeatedly reported violations, to the point of  going on television (human interest, haha) to showcase the shortcomings of MBTA operators. Since then, the rampant negligence, hostility, and sometimes murderous intent of operators has remained unchanged. This tells me that though reports are being made, they have NO IMPACT on the daily lives of MBTA employees.

Now, the rumor is that Cambridge Police are stepping up cyclist-oriented ticketing. I’m sorry, what WHAT? If you, like me, ride these streets daily, you know that motorists make the monster share of traffic violations. Left on red, running through red, double parking, illegal u turns, harassment of other motorists, hit and runs – give me ten minutes and I can go out and grab at least ten examples on my phone camera. Between Brookline and Somerville, I’m hard pressed to see 5 cyclist run reds, but I have to witness motorists break the law at EVERY CYCLE OF LIGHTS AT EVERY INTERSECTION.

Again. WHAT THE FUCK, Cambridge Police?

If you want to protect cyclists, maybe you should TICKET MORE MOTORISTS.

Maybe this is community backlash brought on by the significant increase in T fares that seem to be on the horizon. Fellow cyclists, have you ever ridden by a 66 bus in October, the people inside sardined against the glass, and really taken a look at their faces? You can tell they’re seething with hate inside, choking on their projected image of the smug, healthy and happy cyclist cruising to work at their own pace every day. I can see how that kind of human wreckage could be feeling significant schadenfreude over this ticketing barrage.

We do not deserve it, and I for one will not fucking stand for it. I will not accept a ticket. Nor will I accept driver’s harassment, threats, taunts and assaults. I will defend myself in whatever manner I see fit, and do everything in my power to avoid street attention by our corrupt and misguided group of overlording institutions.

I gave it my best shot, I really did. Now I guess I’ll be dedicating this blog to the daily thrill of my rebellion. Stay tuned!

I truly wish that the Hero video camera I was trying out to document my commute had been powerful enough to take quality video/audio for more than 20 minutes at a time. I see some weird shit on my daily journey, and it’s inconvenient to whip out my cell phone, since weirdness is fleeting and phone cams take forever to boot.

On Monday, I believe it was, I nearly rolled over a hand grenade lying in the middle of Mass Ave between Porter and Harvard.

This one, to be exact.

I didn’t think much of it beyond, “oh hey, that’s a hand grenade. It’s probably fake”.  Apparently more cautious folk reported it as ‘suspicious’ later on.

A day later, while cruising through Harvard Square, I witnessed a dogfight. Not that interesting except that the dogs in question were in two separate cars, stopped side by side at a red light. I laughed my balls off at that one.

Today wasn’t very interesting aside from the caravan of entitled asshats who were parked in the bike lane outside 65 N. Harvard St. in Allston. That’s right, the causway of death, which even on a good day is lousy with giant, jangling trucks, speeding yuppies and oblivious Harvard jaywalkers.

This is the last car in a line of three parked in the bike lane waiting to pick up their special snowflakes.

I had a bit of time to kill, so I spent it calling the BPD and reading off make/model/plate, while the drivers berated or begged me. My favorite was the european woman in the gold Toyota minivan, who shrieked, “Yes, yes I was in the wrong but I see that now, I won’t do it again. I swear I won’t do it again!”. Adorable.

I waited for a good ten minutes, while the traffic beeped and cursed around these model citizens (I blocked them off so they couldn’t leave, and why not, they blocked me first.) but when the police hadn’t shown up by then, I gave up. I’d say “There’s never a cop around when you need one.” but that is entirely untrue. Just last week, on this same stretch, a man got out of his car to rant at me and call me a prick for calling the cops on him. As we were shouting at each other, a calm and collected Harvard cop strolled up next to us to observe. During a break in our diatribes, he simply stated, “Sir, she’s right. Please move your car.”  I could have hugged him, I was so happy. But instead I thanked him profusely as the gentleman went on his way. Small miracles, right?

I’m not sure how to ultimately combat illegal parking on this strip aside from constant diligence and aggressive vigilantism. It won’t work, because I rarely see the same drivers twice, but at least it gives me something to look forward to during my commute.

I understand that it’s been dreary and miserable for days, and it’s got people on edge. It’s keeping me hunkered down in my living room surrounded by pillows and blankets and videogames, as I  have been all winter. But seriously, automobile commuters, fucking suck  it up. You have a roof. You have heat (usually). You have FUCKING WINDSHIELD WIPERS. I have to reach up and swipe away the droplets collecting on my glasses with an increasingly sodden glove.

This is why it irks me that drivers somehow think they are allowed to be increasingly homicidal when the weather is bad. I was intentionally hit by another driver today, who intoned the old standby, “you should not be on the road!” as he swerved sharply toward me, knocking my front wheel and sending me over the curb.

I had been in the left lane of Eliot street, Harvard Square, about to take a right on to JFK. I stay in the center of the lane during this turn because impatient drivers tend to cut the corner off as they pass me, creating a pinch point that could send me under the car. The middle eastern gentleman in dark blue sedan, plate 6CJ890, was in the lane to turn left on JFK but swerved sharply into my lane as I passed him, causing me to scream and swerve. I caught his plate as I slowly renavigated around him, and continued on down JFK about an arm’s length from the curb.

The gentleman first tailgated me and then swerved alongside to confront me, stating the old standby. As I started to retort with, “You are WRONG, Sir.” he jerked the car sharply toward me in an arc, hitting me and sending me off my bike and on to the sidewalk. I wasn’t hurt much, just a twist of the right ankle and knee and some  palm jarring, but it could have been much worse.

As I was on my way to work in Brookline, I wasn’t able to report this to the Cambridge police, and frankly, I’m not sure I even will. What is the point? The last two times I reported these incidents, I was told nothing could be done.

I regret that this ‘blog’ is turning into a running account of the impotency of the pro-cyclist movement in terms of driver deference, but I am only reporting what I encounter. I don’t encounter people waiting patiently at intersections, or stopping obediently at red lights. I watch people, day in and day out, run red lights, travel in the bike lane, double park, turn left against red and through pedestrian lights, and hit cyclists without remorse over and over and over.

Infrastructure planning is great, but the real challenge is changing the way cyclists are viewed and treated by motorists (and pedestrians, though they endanger us a bit less). And I don’t really see any headway happening in that arena. I wish I had some suggestions, but having to witness the wanton acts of stupidity and violence perpetrated by motorists daily, I am at a loss to even begin how to change their way of thinking. There is simply no way to reach these people. They don’t take the T, so a sign campaign would be fruitless. They may watch television, but who is going to spend the money on commercial spots for PSA’s about how to respect cyclists rights and bodies?

I know what you’re going to say. “Lead by example. Follow the rules, be courteous, and motorists will follow in kind.” And to that I say,

“HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHahahahahahaha..haha…ha.. *cough*  *cough* ”

I used to say the same thing, about six years ago. Since then I’ve learned that no amount of good will and positive example will keep me safe on the roads of Massachusetts or anywhere else.

So ok, I swear that this is the last  of these posts. There is no point in me stating and restating my argument.

Next post, I swear to god, will be a tutorial on how to make Carpunching Gauntlets.

As I’ve reflected previously, it is absolutely impossible to hold a motorist accountable for destructive, negligent or abusive behavior unless you, the cyclist, have sustained personal injury or damage to your bike. Even then, many times the incident is deemed purely accidental, and no blame is laid even if the incident resulted in the death of one or more cyclists.

I propose new legislature that allows cyclists to turn in motorists for harassment and negligent driving. This would not be a criminal offense, but should be a ticketable offense with a significant monetary penalty. This offense should also go on the driver’s record and be reported to their insurance company.

If you commute by bicycle, you know that there are kind, attentive drivers, distracted, oblivious drivers, and drivers who are downright homicidal. In order to protect ourselves from the latter two, we should be given a voice in the form of a hotline or online form, which a cyclist may use to report drivers who endanger them with the assurance that the motorist in question will be cited.

Really, it’s only fair. Of course this train of thought stems from an experience during today’s morning commute. After tailgating me and honking, a black compact car driven by some flabby, shabby looking woman squeezed past me (NE237 I think was the plate) and again honked while swerving toward me and revving her engine. When I caught up to her at the red light, intoning, “Hey! This is my road, too!”, she barked her reply, “Not the middle of it, you bitch!”. Apparently she was unaware of the new laws stating a cyclist can ‘take the lane’ in a narrow area that lacks a bike lane.  Before I could illuminate her, she swerved dangerously around me, again spitting curses at me.

Should she get ticketed for this? Absolutely. Not only is she unaware of the mass laws allowing cyclists to take the lane, and requiring motorists to leave a three foot space for cyclists, she endangered my life by tailgating my bicycle with a two ton vehicle and honking in order to intentionally startle me. Drivers like this should have their privileges revoked, as they are essentially murderers in the making.  I see motorists behave like this every single day, week in, week out, and it will never change until there are consequences.

If the car is no longer king in Boston, prove that shit. Give cyclists some power and protection on the road.

So, let the fun begin!

…

Guys? Anyone? Helloooo!?

Yeah, so far this ‘spring’ has been a buttload of unsatisfying riding days and hibernation nights. Sure, there were some great 50+ days. Three, exactly. But come ON March? In like a lion and out like a douchebag, is what I have to say about it.

Last week I got hit by a car. Yes, again. This time, the twenty-something trust fund twats put some icing on the cake. After brushing by me yelling obscenities and smacking me with the mirror of their spotless black Audi, they stopped for a second, I can only assume to make sure I got the entire well articulated manifesto of hate. When I clambered up to the window to inform them that they’d hit me, and that I’d like their contact information, the hipster-bearded shaggy American Apparel wearing piece of shit on the passenger side spat in my face.

Yeah.

Happily, I was able to get their license plate as they sped off. A day after filing a report with the Brookline Police, I received a call back with the name of the driver, and the description of their report; not only did they not ‘notice’ hitting me, I apparently kicked their car. They did not want to press charges, and would like to avoid court.

The officer I spoke to explained to me that because neither I nor the bike sustained any injury, I would not be able to charge the driver with hit and run. I would, however, have the option of pressing charges on the passenger for ‘assault with bodily fluid’. I said yes, please, I would like to go to court.

I haven’t yet heard further about this  supposed court date. I get it, bureaucracy. I’m not holding out any hope, however, of this ending up in my favor. It seems that if you’re a cyclist, any number of acts of violence, belligerence, and murder can be exacted on your person by noncyclists who then need not fear the slightest accountability. Do I need to link evidence to this fact in the form of countless articles portraying cyclist tragedies in which the crime was labeled a blameless ‘accident’? This incident was the second in THREE WEEKS in which a motorist has swung toward me in order to frighten and harass me and subsequently contacted me with the vehicle, and the last in a long line of ‘accidents’ of negligence and hostility in which I was given no recourse. We are powerless out here, and the efforts of local ‘bike czars’ and activists are doing fuck all to change it. No amount of local ‘bike repair stations’ or badly painted sharrows will change the way motorist view cyclists – as pretentious interlopers or hapless peasants stealing a portion of the roadway that the taxes they’ve paid have so entitled them to enjoy. And I’m not joking, here. I’ve been the audience to at least five earnest monologues, hollered from the driver’s seat through the passenger window, outlining exactly why the excise tax they paid on their vehicle entitled the driver to the entire road, and that I was inconveniencing them and even greedily hijacking something they had paid blood, sweat and tears for the rights to.

I don’t really know where to go from here. I’ve come to the conclusion that unless the Age of Aquarius rolls in, nothing is going to change the murderous environment that cyclists in this area suffer daily. Evidence to the contrary? I wish I had even the remotest shred. The only positive I experience on the road every day is the volleys of ‘nice goggles!’ that come from pedestrians and my fellow cyclists and yes, even cops. I suppose, if you ain’t going to ride fly than you might as well hate, eh?

Or not…

This blog has fallen a bit by the wayside in the last couple months. This is not because I’ve been low on complaints about the cycling situation in Boston – far from it. Rather, I am feeling a bit jaded about the struggle to instigate change in a city that is so woefully politically and capitalistically corrupt and totally devoid of compassion. Despite the grandiose claims by Tom Menino, Nicole Freedman, Richard Davey, none of the issues plaguing the city when I began my own campaign for change have been solved, or indeed described any measurable improvement. The MBTA is still totally unaccountable for it’s unlawful transgressions and terrible service. Motorists are as abusive and neglectful as ever to the cycling community. Public servants continue to treat cyclists as second class citizens, and people keep getting hit and menaced with no hope of justice from our fundamentally flawed legal system.

True; there are many new bike lanes in the city. What good does this do if motorists, delivery vehicles, and taxis use them as a traveling and parking lane? And they do, every day, all day. True, there are new signs and sharrows indicating that the traffic respect cyclists as vehicles and allow them to travel accordingly. Motorists still honk, swear and menace cyclists – all day, every day. I know, because I am out there experiencing it.

All the work in the world done on the infrastructure of Boston’s roadways will do dick diddly squat to change the mentality of the area. Pedestrians remain aloof, ignorant, and self absorbed. Motorists will continue to be stressed out, wrathful, self important. Cyclists will remain recalcitrant, self-righteous, easily incensed. Public servants will continue to be lazy, unhelpful, belligerent. MBTA drivers will remain under trained, oblivious, and continue to disregard the safety needs of their position.  What we can do about all this… I really have no idea. I have always tried to do my tiny part to instigating a change in mentality – treating others with respect and care, trying not to be easily thrown into a rage by the abuse I suffer daily from drivers. I can keep this up, I think… but it doesn’t give me much hope for change in the future.

To be fair, hope is in short supply right now, for reasons we all know and I can’t bring myself to discuss in this blog. We are inundated with news of the horrors being wrought on our fellow man, our fellow creatures, our very world, by our own kind. I can’t really blame the average person for not having much good will to impart. Sadly, this is probably the point at which we need it the most.