Have you ever wanted to end a person’s life, but the idea of going to jail for years or capital punishment seemed overly prohibitive? Well, I have great news for you! Now you can murder to your heart’s content and never worry about the repercussions. You just have to follow these simple rules:

• drive a motor vehicle
• target a cyclist
• run over target cyclist ONLY ONCE
• state to authorities, “I didn’t see him/her/them.”
• bask in the warm glow of murder accomplished!

This tried and true murder method has been used over and over again throughout history, but the powers that be don’t want you to know about it! People in authority like to think they have a monopoly on murder, but it’s time we take back our right to kill! Just look at these success stores:

Success! Smashed in San Fran

Success! Nailed in New Bedford

Success! Doored in Chicago

Success! Smeared in San Diego

Success! Slammed in San Leandro

Success! New Yorkers are spearheading the murder movement!

I know you’re saying to yourself, “This will never work for me. I lack the confidence to murder someone in cold blood.” Not so, you just have to follow our foolproof plan, and remember a few guidelines:

One Hit Only! – if you back up and hit a cyclist again, you could go to jail.

Do Not Flee! – don’t confirm your guilt by fleeing the scene. Pull over, call 911, and adopt a shocked and distressed attitude while you explain to the police that you ‘didn’t see’ your target.

And when in doubt, avoid targeting your victim at intersections. If there is any doubt as to whether you ran a red light or a stop sign, you could get in trouble. Target your cyclist during a long straight stretch if possible. If there is any question as to how the cyclist went unseen, you can also claim that the cyclist lost control of his bicycle and strayed into the road.

Using these thoughtful guidelines, honest and hardworking folk can regain their confidence in killing, and the current spike in the cyclist population can be slowed and with any luck, reversed. Godspeed, prospective Murderers, and happy hunting!

Tags: fail

This entry was posted on Monday, April 16th, 2012 at 10:05 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.